


Talk Me Down

by theangelcastiella



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, F/M, Guilt, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 19:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8025481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangelcastiella/pseuds/theangelcastiella
Summary: The reader's sister is dead. Gone. And it's all her fault. Only one thing left to do - join her. Except Dean isn't about to let her do that.





	Talk Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for self harm, suicide, death of a family member, and guilt. This story is very personal to me and t took a lot for me to actually publish it. Feedback would be appreciated :)

“Y/N! Y/N, help!”

You could feel your pulse thumping as you ran through the dark wood, pistol out and ready.

This had all been a mistake. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. 

You had been hanging out with your younger sister, when you’d gotten a call about a rogue werewolf case in the town you’d been staying in. Some hunter’s backup had gone down with a nasty flu, and Garth had given him your number. Dean had wanted you to wait until he had gotten there, but you insisted upon going.

“It’ll be too late by the time you get here, Dean.”

“Okay, Y/N… I know how stubborn you are, so this whole phone call was probably damn near pointless. Just… stay safe, and call me if something goes wrong. Actually, call me if nothing goes wrong, too.”

“So, call you?”

“Yeah. Do that.”

The drive to the thick forest had gone well enough, being fairly easy to find but also far enough from the town that a few gunshots wouldn’t raise any suspicion. In fact, you were certain that was why this rogue pack was living here. In a town where everyone knows everyone, you can’t take any chances.

As soon as you had stopped the car, your sister had popped up from the backseat, brandishing one of your daggers and smiling evilly. 

“What, you thought you could just disappear on some hunt and not even take me with you?”

After a long argument, you agreed to let her tag along; after all, it was supposed to be an easy hunt.

You were wrong.

It had been a few hours; the moon was high above you, the trees casting shadow all around you. You hadn’t found anything yet, your partner was telling old stories of “the glory days”, and your sister was yawning. You were just about to turn and tell him to shut his trap and be serious when, off to the left a ways, branches started snapping.

That’s when it happened. Out from the twisted thickets jumped three werewolves, snarling and  practically frothing at the mouths. Blood and gore was already smeared on their mangled shirts, and yet, their eyes still looked crazed and hungry.

You  immediately threw yourself in front of your sister, shooting the first one dead in the heart. Your partner fumbled with his  gun for a second before getting tackled by a large male, who didn’t hesitate to rip the hunter’s throat to shreds. And while you’d been distracted by that, the third had gone after your sister, who had shot, missed, and ran.

Now you were running, too, running like the world was about to end. For you, it may as well be ending, because your sister was the only family you had left. You couldn’t lose her, not her too. 

You heard your sister’s screams and sobs and felt your heart shatter further. This was all your fault. You shouldn’t have let her come.

Out from the trees jumped another couple of wolves, and you all but screamed in frustration before shooting at them mercilessly. One of them smiled at you, flesh caught in it’s fangs, before falling to the ground to join his friend in death. You shook your nausea out of your mind and kept running, the whole time praying that your sister was alive.

In your pocket, your phone began to vibrate.

“Y/N..”

You spun around, looking for the source of the sound, and heard a muffled whimper come from the right. Droplets of crimson splattered the scratched bark of the trees, making your heart beat even faster than it already had been. 

“I’m coming, sweetie, I’m coming,” you muttered, ducking and weaving through branches and ignoring the splinters pinching your hands. You weren’t even trying to be quiet anymore, snapping branches  without a second thought.

Finally, you broke free from the trees and took in the sight before you. Your sister, covered in blood and leg twisted at an odd angle. The two wolves above her, digging into her chest as if it was butter. 

You felt your finger pull the trigger, saw the two wolves fall to the ground. With cold hands, you shoved them away from your sister, fear making your entire body numb. Trembling, you smoothed her hair away from her face.

“Sis. C’mon, talk to me. You can pull through this, it’s not too bad…”

You were lying, and your sister knew it too. “B-bullshit. I can’t even feel it anymore, Y/N. It…” she broke off, coughing wetly. “It stopped hurting a long time ago.”

You forgot how to breathe.

“No. Don’t tell me that. You’ll be fine, just lost some blood is all…” She was still bleeding heavily from her stomach, and you stripped off your jacket and shirt without hesitation. 

“Call Dean. He- he can help you.” Her voice was getting fainter, and you could tell it was hard for her to breathe. 

“Just keep talking, sweetie. We’ll be home soon.”

Your jacket and shirt were doing little to staunch the blood flow. In fact, it was probably useless.

“Y/N.”

“Let me just get this blood to stop coming out so fast and we can move you, okay?”

“Y/N, stop…”

Your sister clutched at your hands. They were covered in blood. Her blood.

“You- you gotta call Dean, I wanna.. wanna talk to him.”

Emotions rolled through your stomach, and you felt for your phone in your back pocket.

_ 7 missed calls, 3 voicemails, 10 messages from Dean Winchester. 2 calls from Sam Winchester.  _

“Fuck,” you muttered, trying to dial Dean’s number with quivering, bloody hands. After a few useless tries, you finally got it right. He answered on the first ring.

“ _ Y/N _ . Where the hell are you? I’ve been worried out of my friggin’ mind.”

“Dean, something happened. The guy wasn’t paying attention and we got attacked, and they killed him and got my sister and I found her and.. Dean, there’s so much blood. I can’t move her. I don’t know what to do, and I’m,” your voice cracked, “I’m scared. What if-”

“Woah, okay,  _ okay _ , Y/N. Calm down. God damnit, I knew something like this would happen… where are you? Are you sure you can’t move her?”

“Her insides aren’t all inside her anymore, Dean.”

Your sister coughed again, blood dribbling down her chin. 

“I’ll have Sam track your phone. He’s driving. Can you stay on the phone with me?”

“Actually, she wants to talk to you… I’m putting you on speaker.”

You set the phone on the ground, close to your sister’s mouth so Dean would hear whatever she had to say. 

“Hey, kiddo. How you feeling?”

Your sister gave a small smile at the sound of Dean’s voice. “I’m not feeling anymore.”

Though muffled, you hear Dean tell Sam to drive faster.

“Dean…” she was struggling to get the words  out of her mouth, and you felt your heart breaking with every struggle she had.  “You… gotta take care of Y/N. Make sure that she doesn’t take this too hard.”

“You aren’t gonna die,” you said, in sync with Dean. A single tear ran down your sister’s face, clearing a path between the red splattered across her cheeks. Her breathing hitched a few times, and she shuddered, the coughing resuming again.

“Oh god. Dean. Dean, she’s…  _ Dean. _ ”

“Be right there. Just hold on, kiddo.” The phone beeped, letting you know that Dean had hung up, and you leaned over your sister, lightly slapping her face.

“Hey, hey now, stay with me. You can’t leave me, sis.  You have your whole life to live still.”

She smiled at you. “I love you, you know… but I’m tired now.”

The words came out in a whisper, and then her face went slack, eyes dulling.

_ No. No no no no no. _

A sob forced it’s way out of you,and you grabbed your sister, sitting her up. Her head lolled to the side and you gagged. “No. No, this isn’t happening… my baby, no…”

You collapsed on the ground, head lying in the bed of twigs and pine needles, and drew your sister closer. You just lay there like that, holding her protectively, until her skin grew cold.

That’s when you started screaming. Screaming at the universe for letting this happen. Screaming at your sister for leaving you this young. Screaming at yourself for being stupid enough to let your sister come on the hunt.

And that’s how Dean found you. On the ground, shirtless, covered in blood, clutching at your sister’s lifeless body. Screaming.

That’s the last thing you remember before everything faded to black.

+

When you woke up, the first thing you could think about was how much your throat hurt. It felt raw and torn, and you weren’t sure if you could speak even if you wanted to. Your hands hurt, too. You opened your eyes to inspect them and saw that your fingernails were caked with blood. 

That was when the rest of it came rushing back to you.

Immediately , you felt nausea pull at your stomach, and then you were in the bathroom, kneeling on the cold tile floor. You realized that it was your bathroom, and that Dean must have carried you back to your room after the hunt.

The hunt that killed your sister. 

Somewhere deep inside you, it dawned on you. What you needed to do. The only way to pay the price for what you had done.

You had to join your sister.

It was the only thing that made sense.

You stood and stumbled back to your bed, a whirlwind of thoughts assaulting your thoughts. Your chest felt like an empty cavity, and you couldn’t even bring yourself to cry.

_ This is all your fault, Y/N. Your sister is dead because of you. How could you be so stupid? You let an untrained kid on a hunt for a pack of wolves, and now she’s dead. Her blood is on your hands. You’ll never see her smile again, hear her laugh again, because you didn’t know how to say no. What does Dean think of you now? He can’t possibly love you after this. He knows what a monster you are. Nobody could love a monster like you. You need to leave, leave them so they can’t pity you anymore. They don’t deserve to have to deal with all of your bullshit and you know it. You’ve known it for a long time. And now you have your chance. They won’t care if you leave anymore, not after last night. _

“Hey, Y/N… how you doin’ sweetheart?”

You jerked your  head up at the sound of Dean’s voice. There he was, standing in your doorway, sympathy and grief staining his face. You tried to talk to him but only managed a raspy, “She’s gone.” 

Dean was sitting on your bed in an instant, holding you close to him. “Oh, Y/N, I know. I know it sucks. Just let it out.”

You started to shake again, but couldn’t bring yourself to cry over what you had done. You didn’t deserve that right anymore. After a minute, Dean seemed to realize something was wrong, too, and he pulled back to look at you. “You aren’t crying.”

“I don’t get to cry over this. This one’s on me, Dean, and you know it.” 

Dean’s face changed instantly, going from sad and sympathetic to almost angry. “Y/N, don’t talk like that. You couldn’t have stopped this. You know that.”

You looked away, scratching your forearm absentmindedly. “Yes I could have! I could have said no, I could have waited for you, I could have driven her home.”

Dean took one look at your scratching and grabbed your arm, rolling up the flannel sleeve. You tried not to jerk away from him as he ran his thumb over the old scars littering the skin there. 

“Y/N… you know I’m here for you, right? You can talk to me, and I may not understand, but I’ll still sure as hell try to.”

You looked at him, looked at the pain on his face as he stared at your arms, and  made up your mind. You weren’t going to hurt him any longer.

+

The cool night air whipped around you, raising goosebumps on your exposed arms. Your face was wet with tears, and your arms were wet with blood, and with the way the sky was looking, you’d soon be drenched from rain.

Maybe that would stall Dean from finding you. 

Slowly, you dragged the blade across your arm, adding yet another strip of red to your already torn up skin. It stung, but you needed to be calm. You stood and looked around you, taking in the sight of everything. You were on the top of an apartment building, one with a roof that was accessible to anyone. It was where you’d always gone when you needed to think. It almost looked beautiful from up on the roof, hills gently rolling in the distance, past the small city. You wished Dean could see this. Maybe he’d appreciate it like you did. 

You had been here for about thirty minutes, debating a lot of things. Mostly, though, you’d been debating your life.

The past week had been hell for you, every minute. The only thing that had gotten you through it was your goal, the goal you were about to reach. The brothers had been breathing down your neck every second of every day, and it was almost impossible to do something as mundane as taking a shower without Dean checking up on you. Your meals had even been monitored, and it was only fueling your fire. Yesterday had been your last day with Dean, and you’d tried to make it count by spending the entire day as happy as you could. You go out of bed at a decent time, ate breakfast with the boys, even took Dean to a little diner in Lebanon. He’d certainly noticed, because you had heard him talking to Sam later that evening.

“I really think she’s gettin’ better, Sammy.”

“Are you sure, Dean? She could have just been acting; it’s not like she’s  never done it before .”

“Nah, you didn’t hear her today. She was almost like before, y’know?”

It broke your heart to hear him get excited like that, but you knew it would be better this way. He’d find a girl who could be happy and loving all the time instead of  once in a blue moon and he wouldn’t have to worry so much. 

Your phone buzzed in your back pocket, and you had to stifle another sob. You had to do it fast, before he found you and stopped you; there was no doubt in your mind that Sam would be able to track your phone in less than five minutes. 

But you had to say something. He had to know that it wasn’t an accident, that you wanted this.

_ New  _ _ message _ _ to:  _ **_Dean Winchester_ **

_ I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. You’ll be happier this way, I promise. I love you. _

_ Message sending…  _ **_Message_ ** **_sent!_ **

Almost  immediately , your phone began chiming with messages.

_ What are you talking about Y/N _

_ Whatever you’re thinking, DONT DO IT _

_ I’ll be there soon, don’t move from where you are _

_ Are you okay??? _

_ Answer me Y/N, I know youre reading these _

_ I cant do this without you, please _

_ I love you so so so much, please just wait till I get there and we can talk about this okay? _

He’d get over it soon. You shut off your phone and looked  around you. No people, no anything. Just you. You, and the blood;  _ God _ , there was so much of it. More than there had ever been before. And you were so, so high off the ground..

Breathe in, breathe out. It would all be okay. 

You put one foot over the railing, and heard the squealing of tires from a few blocks away.

“Fuck,” you muttered, hurrying to try and get back over the railing and snagging your shirtsleeve in the process. You hobbled over and ducked just in time to see the Impala swerving down the road.

They couldn’t find you now. Dean would stop you. 

You turned frantically to the blade on the ground, but before you could add more marks to your already bleeding arm,  you heard Sam yelling.

“Y/N, I know you’re up there. Can you come down here for me?”

You put your head in your hands and started crying, really crying. It was all over now.

“G-go away, Sam. I don’t want you here.”

“Sorry, Y/N, but I’m not going anywhere. Come talk to me.”

You rolled your eyes and stood, looking over the railing. Below you stood Sam, hair blowing in the wind. You could see his panic and stress from here. Dean was nowhere to be found.

“Why are you here, Sam?”

“Because I care about you, Y/N. I care about you, and I hate to see you this way, but I’d hate to see you go down like this even more. You have so many people who love you, who will always be there to help you-”

“Save it. I’ve already said goodbye to all of that, and I’m sorry, but my mind's  made up . There’s nothing you could have done.” You turned to open the door to the building with a desperate hope of making it out without Sam catching you, but it burst open before you could get out. In the doorway stood Dean, with messy hair and red rimmed eyes. He’d been crying.

“Y/N,” he whispered. “You’re okay… I thought… I was so scared…”

There was no way this plan could go worse.

“Dean, you should go. I’m not meant to be here, can’t you see that?” With every word that came out of your mouth, you were stepping back towards the railing.

“Why would you say that, Y/N?”

Thunder boomed in the sky, and raindrops started to land on your cheek.

“It hurts, Dean. It hurts so goddamned much and I can’t take it. I just can’t it anymore. You don’t know what it feels like.”

“Like hell I don’t! Ellen and Jo? Bobby? Ash? Kevin? Dad? They’re all dead because of me. Not to mention all the people who died because of my mistakes on hunts.Sam’s blood has been on my hands more times than I can friggin’ count. Trust me, I get it! You’d know that if you would just talk to me. Now step away from that ledge.”

You looked down at the ground, at Sam standing there, at the cars driving by. “Why should I?”

“Damnit, Y/N, please. I need you. I need you so much that it scares me. If you die like this, I don’t know if I could live with myself…” He broke off, and ran his hand over his face. “Tell you what. You go, and I’ll go with you.”

Your blood went cold. “What?”

“You heard me.” Dean swallowed and stepped towards the opposite you, never taking his eyes off you. “If you want to die right now, I’ll die with you. I told you I’d never let you be alone if I could help it, and this ain’t an exception.”

You fell forward onto your knees, and Dean was there in a flash, holding you steady. 

“That’s my girl. That’s my brave, strong girl.”

You let yourself melt into him, rain falling harder now on the both of you, drenching you to the bone. “It’s.. it’s just so hard,” You sobbed.

“I know, I know it is. But I’m here, and Sam’s here. And you aren’t dying. Not until you’ve lived a full life and you’re wrinkled as a prune, you hear me? And if somethin’ does happen, if you do have to die, it’ll be in my arms. If I have a say in it, you ain’t goin’ out any other way, especially not self inflicted. I wanna be there every step of the way, tellin’ you it’ll be okay.” He broke off then, choking on his tears. You’d never seen Dean cry, not like this. “So if I can’t stop it from happening, I want to be holding you. I wanna let you know that you’re still loved, and God be damned if you won’t always be. If you gotta leave this world, if you gotta leave me… that’s how it’s gonna be.”

You met his eyes in a tearful gaze. “Thank you Dean. Thank you for this. For saving my life and stuff.”

He smiled through his own gentle sobs and tucked your sopping hair behind your ear. “Wasn’t me. You saved your own life. I just helped you through it.” He pressed his lips to yours, soft but intense. “Now let’s get you out of this rain.”

Slowly the two of you stood, Dean’s arm securely wrapped around you. You got some weird looks from people on the elevator down, but nobody dared to say anything once they met Dean’s eyes. And when you finally left the building, you found yourself completely enveloped in Sam’s crushing hug. 

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again, Y/N,” he whispered, before pressing a kiss to your forehead and sending you back to Dean.

It would be a long and hard road to recovery, this much you knew. But with Dean’s hand in yours, and Sam watching over you, you knew you could make it through.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on my tumblr: www.theangelcastiella.tumblr.com .


End file.
